Sweet days, bitter nights

I woke up early and spent all day working on a cover letter, two essays, and polishing my resume. I had several good conversations with people, cleaned my apartment, and made a decent lunch. I listened to the rain, and when it took a break from spring showers, I took a walk to the center of town, bought some groceries, and came back for the evening to relax.

Finding out that again we are having problems with the project, the details I will not disclose, was not what I wanted to think about today, but after telling my colleague and some friends, instead of making it better, it just made things worse. One glass of wine, and I was in tears. I was told to grow up, I was ignored . . . in the immensity of this, it was easier earlier today being alone than talking to friends in the evening.

Maybe the lesson from this is we can only make ourselves happy. Despite all the people we have in our lives, regardless of how much they mean to us, in the end, we are our only friend. Friends forever? Look in the mirror. That is your friend forever. Everyone else is just temporary.

I don’t mean to make this a gloomy post or make anyone think my day was terrible because in fact I had a great day. I had a great day because I shut myself away from the world and did what I needed to do. I was productive and I was happy. I took breaks and scrolled through memes. I shared my silly dream with people and laughed at goofy videos. I studied up on the news and learned about different opinions of colonizing Mars. I did a lot today.

But this comes to show that one small dent in the day can make all that good stuff come crashing down. One person mentioned, it’s so easy to focus on the negatives. He’s right. Another said to me recently that I was self-doubting myself in thinking I should just give up instead of keep chasing my dreams of grad school. These people both act so tough and positive . . . but I wonder if they are really feeling that way on the inside. Maybe they’re just as scared as me, even more so, but not willing to be open about it? Or maybe I’m too open? Maybe my mistake is opening up to so many people when really what I should be doing is looking inwards and reflection. Sometimes we don’t need feedback or advice. We simply need someone to listen, to tell us, yes they’ll be our friend forever, yes they love us.

I kissed someone on the cheek last night in my dream, the same person who yelled at me on the phone yesterday for trying to get things done too soon, the same person who has called me a whore, but who has also cried with me, laughed with me, been angry with me. I felt like throwing a cup at the wall tonight. I was crying, and I was sad. Why, I’m not quite sure, only I think it’s because, despite the negatives with this person, I don’t focus on the negatives when I think about him. I think about all the good things he’s brought to my life. I think about how, despite everything we’ve been through, he’s always stayed my friend. And I think I am in tears because soon I am leaving Moldova, and I am not ready to let him go from my life . . . I have learned to love him and grow with him in a way I can’t explain. He’s my best friend, but more than that . . . words can’t describe it. I just know I will always love him in a way I can’t explain to anyone, really. I hope he doesn’t forget me, and even if he never admits these kinds of feelings about me to anyone, maybe, just maybe, I’m not alone in realizing how much of an impact we’ve made in each others’ lives these past two years . . . in my dream, he was the only one who mattered. Everyone else was a blur. That was how it has felt in reality here abroad too. Even in my tattered, hand-me-down dress, I felt beautiful dancing with him. He has helped me feel like a real person. I guess I give him too much credit, but . . . there it is.

Back to the wine.

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